Scene 2 – Set 3 (Empty Retail Space) – Song #3
It's 10:00 in the morning. Mike and Tom are to look at a vacant retail space. They are friends. Tom has been looking for a site for Mike’s intended business venture. Mike manages a restaurant in town but wants to open his own small club café. In addition to an income, it would be a place where he and the boys can play music together. They play as a band for fun, though Mike has a hidden ambition to make a living as a singer/songwriter. He intends to call his club “HATS.” The walls are to be fitted with a variety of hats from around the world. The name “HATS” suggests patrons can become whom they want to be when they come to the club. The curtain opens. The audience hears the jingling of keys and MIKE and TOM enter through the front door. Tom is holding a folder with the lease in it.
TOM
Well, what do you think?
Pause. Mike turns slowly while nodding his head with enthusiasm.
MIKE
It needs work, but I think it’s perfect. What do you think?
Pause. Tom looks at Mike as if he just asked a stupid question.
TOM
Mike, we've been friends for years. Do you think I'd show you this space if it wouldn't be great for your bar?
Mike spins his head, visibly annoyed.
MIKE
Bar?
Tom quickly responds with an apologetic look and recites the following in one breath, demonstrating that he is just about out of breath upon completion.
TOM
I'm sorry. Your open mike, piano room, comedy house, club café serving fine wine and expertly crafted porters, lagers, stouts and ales with a light menu of classic American and exquisite Italian cuisine – appetizers a specialty.
Mike half smiles while nodding his head in satisfaction. Tom waits until Mike turns away to continue his evaluation of the empty retail space. Tom looks to the audience and speaks as if he doesn't want Mike to hear him.
A bar.
After a short pause, in walks Tom and Mike’s mutual friend STEVE. He has apparently broken away from his job site as a carpenter to look at the construction job that will be necessary to turn this rental space into Mike’s bar.
STEVE
Nice! This should bring in the chicks.
Tom looks at Steve as if he is amused but not surprised at Steve’s remark.
MIKE
You think?
STEVE
Phefff. Trust me. The babe’s will be so thick, we’ll have to tell 'em we're gay.
Mike turns to Steve.
MIKE
Remember. You're getting married.
Steve half smiles.
STEVE
That decision was made befo-o-o-ore you decided to open this bar.
MIKE
It's not a bar!
Steve looks at Mike with surprise and then turns to Tom for help. Tom replies in the same tone as before, all in one breath while slightly rocking his shoulders from side to side.
TOM
It’s an open mike, piano room, comedy house, club café serving fine wine and expertly crafted porters, lagers, stouts and ales with a light menu of classic American and exquisite Italian cuisine – appetizers a specialty.
Steve looks at Tom with his palms turned up, as if still waiting for new news. Having apparently come up empty, Steve shakes his head side to side, flashes his eyes a couple of times as if clearing his mind, and replies shaking his head up and down as if totally lost and looking for concurrence.
STEVE
A bar.
Mike scowls at Steve. Steve puts up his hand as a gesture to change the subject.
Anyway, I thought now that since Tom is already married and I'm beginning to think about it…
Tom breaks in with astonishment.
TOM
Think about it? You're engaged for God's sake!
Steve pauses for a moment as if to re-group, looks at Tom as if he is about to say something, waves his hand as if to say “not relevant,” then turns back to Mike and continues his response as if he was not interrupted.
STEVE
…that you too should look for a more serious relationship. In fact, I just met a chick that would be perfect for you.
MIKE
Why?
STEVE
Well, for starters, she’s great looking. She’s smart. She’s…
MIKE
No! I mean why would I trade going with a different girl every night to be with just one woman?
Steve searches for something to say. He struggles for a short time and looks to Tom for help. Tom shrugs and responds as if to say “Why are you asking me?”. While he speaks, he makes quote signs with his fingers where indicated in the dialogue.
TOM
What? Two years after we got married, Cindy became lonesome and depressed until we had Amanda. Then she hounded me to sell the bike and “grow up” when she got pregnant with Tommy. One year later, I had to trade my Vette for the van and cut lawns after hours because we needed a bigger house. Now she tells me I’m boring… and you're looking at me?
MIKE
Look fellows. Falling in love, finding a soul mate and settling down is not for me. I'm like a bird that flies free.
With that comment, Tom and Steve start laughing – almost jeering – at Mike. Song #3 – “Married Life Is Not For Me” – begins. Mike sings the verse.
Why is everybody looking for my dream come true?
They don't seem to understand I'd rather dream of two.
I wish they would leave me be. I'd rather liVe alone.
There's nothing like living free, and living on my own.
Tom and Steve take over and sing the chorus. While singing, Tom and Steve mimic birds that are flying, making fun of Mike. Mike waves his hands at Tom and Steve as if pushing them away in disgust, though Mike is amused at the teasing.
MIKE & TOM & STEVE
I'm free like bird sailing on the breeze.
Free to fly from tree to tree.
Just like a bird I want to fly free.
Married life is not for me.
MIKE
Running 'round town late last night.
Coming home quarter to four.
The only reason I left the party was to come home to party some more.
I like knowing that I never know who I might meet today.
And when I do should it be you expect to hear me say.
Again, Tom and Steve sing while mimicking birds that are flying, with Mike watching in amusement.
MIKE & TOM & STEVE
I'm free like bird sailing on the breeze.
Free to fly from tree to tree.
Just like a bird I want to fly free.
Married life is not for me.
The song modulates a couple of times. During the process of modulation, Tom and Steve dance and move as do birds.
MIKE
I’m free.
I’m free.
I’m free. Yes I’m free.
Why is it so necessary that I have someone?
Steve “jumps in” with excitement as if he just thought of something.
STEVE
One is such a lonely number.
Tom “jumps in” as if he is correcting Steve.
TOM
But one rhymes with fun.
Steve nods with resignation. Mike waves his hands as if pushing Tom and Steve away behind him as Mike takes center stage to sing the next lines.
MIKE
I have seen your evidence of two doves in a tree.
But if you look close you will see the shackles 'round his knees.
Mike joins Tom and Steve as they mimic birds that are flying.
MIKE & TOM & STEVE
I'm free like bird sailing on the breeze.
Free to fly from tree to tree.
Just like a bird I want to fly free.
Married life is not for me.
MIKE
Put me in a cage and you will see
Married life is not for me.
The song ends and the boys collect themselves.
TOM
O.K. bird man. We get the point.
Steve nods with resignation.
STEVE
So what do you think guys? Can we make this work?
Tom speaks as if he is appealing to Mike.
TOM
The place is big enough and the acoustics are great.
Mike, Tom and Steve look around a final time.
MIKE
O.K. Let’s do it.
Tom and Steve come over to Mike and they take turns shaking each other's hand, with extra emphasis on wishing Mike good fortune.
TOM
Who’s your attorney?
MIKE
I don’t have one yet. Recommend anybody?
TOM
There’s an attorney that specializes in real estate law just two doors up from here. She has a good reputation.
STEVE
How is she at lawyering?
Tom gives Steve a dirty look.
TOM
When I said she has a good reputation, I meant as an attorney.
Tom pauses for a moment and makes a face.
Lawyering?
Steve shrugs his shoulders as if it was not his fault that he misunderstood what Tom meant.
TOM
The name of the law firm is (Law Firm).
MIKE
Two doors up?
TOM
Right next to that shoe store. What’s the name of it?
STEVE
(Shoe Store)
TOM
That’s right. (Shoe Store)
Steve begins to sing the store's jingle as if has been advertised for some time and everybody knows it. Tom and Mike join in with a touch of mockery (with a little shake in the hands while rocking their heads to the beat).
STEVE & TOM & MIKE
Where the quality is great and the prices are low!
The boys chuckle. Then Mike focuses. Mike points to the folder in Tom's hand. Tom opens the folder he is holding and shows the lease to Mike. He then closes the folder and hands it to him.
MIKE
O.K. I'll go there now. Why don’t you lock up, and I’ll call you guys later.
The boys nod in agreement and exit with Mike leaving first to go to the lawyer's office. Tom takes one last look around after Mike and Steve exit. The door handle jingles as Tom locks the door. Lights go down. Curtains close. End of Scene 2, ACT I.